If they have figured out that the "No Child Left Behind" nonsense is an opium-fantasy inspired Educational Ponzi Scheme in Utah, then it must mean that the code is slowly getting broken on the 1600 Crew...and every "break" counts.

Today's column: Trying to understand the federal government's No Child Left Behind law.

Or, as educators fondly call it, No Child Left Untested. Or, No Teacher Left Standing. Or, No Child Left. Or, No Child's Behind Left.

I hope you picked up the sarcasm. If there's one thing that makes a teacher madder than a kid with a spitball, it's this Alice-in-Wonderland legislation.

In case you haven't heard, or you have and you're totally confused — remember, these are the same people who wrote the tax laws — the law is this: By the year 2014, every child in public school must achieve grade-level proficiency in reading, math and science.

What a great idea — perfect children!!! Next the feds will require the Justice Department to reform every criminal in the United States en route to closing all prisons by 2020.

But you can't mean every child, you're thinking. Yes, every child.

Well, you can't mean kids with severe learning disabilities, you're thinking. Yes.

Well, you can't mean kids who don't speak English, you're thinking. Yes — and the law requires that they be tested in English, too.

Well, you can't mean a child with Down syndrome, you're thinking. Yes!
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This law is the equivalent of telling a high school track coach that every one of his kids has to run under 12 seconds for 100 meters, including shot putters, discus throwers and pole vaulters. Even though Johnny weighs 100 pounds and runs a world record for 100 meters, he still has to throw the shot put 50 feet or else. Fat kids, skinny kids, slow kids — they all must hit the mark, because, as everyone knows, all kids have the same abilities.

Utah...let's hope the madness spreads!