Preznit Ball Licker, we're here from the Iraqi Government, and we just wanted to let you know that about our Constitution, well, the dog ate it.

We know we were supposed to turn it in for grading today, but we've had some problems with the Sunni's and Chers' Kurds. See, it seems that they are not interested in your "deadlines" and we have been having a lot of that lately...dead lines of people here around Baghdad because of well, you. We thought you might be interested to know that, but no one was able to reach you since your new office hours seem to be exclusively dedicated to mountain-bike riding and fundraising at other 'ranches' near Rancho Claro del Arbusto.

We told the folks at the US Embassy, which is safely ensconsced in the Green Zone (known locally as FantasyLand) that we need a couple of more weeks to try and put the whole thing together but they told us to "fuck off" (is that the American expression?) and went back to drinking Martini's and eating bacon-wrapped weenies. Supposedly these delicacies are called "Rush in a Blanket" for some reason in FantasyLand.

We wanted to let you know that more and more of your people are getting killed over here, and while we are really sorry about it, from reading your newspapers you aren't, so our official position will soon change to "who gives a shit" too. We'd like to thank you for making that more clear, since we were at one point bothered by all the senseless carnage. But if it doesn't bother you, we're determined not to let it bother us either.

So, in conclusion, we'd like to let you know that we've obtained a back-up constitution from a hard-drive that was donated by a woman named Mary Rosh. There was all kind of mumbo-jumbo on it with numbers about guns and violins. What do they have to do with each other? Anyhow, there were Ten Amendments we could read. We included nine of them, and are submitting them tomorrow to the Ambassador along with some cans of Polish Sausages left over, from someone who was around here once, was it the Poles? The only Amendment we are not including from the list we got was Number Four, because Mary had crossed it out and written in below it, "see PATRIOT Act"; we don't know what that is, so we can't include it. Amendment Four seemed pretty good to us, but if you don't care for it, we'll leave it out if it will make you take your toys and go home that much faster.

Thank you for your patience,

Humbly,

(etc...etc...)